not for approval

Monday, May 12th, 2008
11:06 pm - WEMF 2008
When I went to my first rave, I told myself that I needed to find the party where one needed to ask the question, "How can you just go home from this? How can you pack up your shit and leave?" I needed to find that experience which would be so emotionally powerful to remember that it would need to be forgotten, and that the only way for the experience in and of itself to remain intact would be to get stuck there, in time, like a star in the sky, never caring that the outside world would come and pass because this was the only experience, the only love, the only sound that truly mattered. Last year, I found it, and when we talk about it, our eyes twinkle like those little stars that are still stuck there, unable to comprehend that there is more to a mortal life than this, a chance to drop everything we'd come to learn about the world and acquire a new set of tools to build true and lasting foundations for love and life; the tools we all were neglected to have been given at birth, that were only meant to be found in the sun, the stars, and the beat.

The beat.

In July, we pack our bags to go home again.

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Friday, February 8th, 2008
6:00 pm - New Truck!
So I bought a truck. It's a 2002 Nissan Frontier with a crew cab and long bed and a supercharged V6 engine. Yeah, it's totally sweet. $12,000... good lord.

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Monday, May 14th, 2007
11:26 pm - Rave on.


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Saturday, March 31st, 2007
3:26 am - Posi Outlook 2007
I remember "way back when" seeing bands like Darkest Hour and Thursday playing for crowds of 40 people maximum. It's just the most special feeling in the world hearing music performed for such a small group and being a part of it. Fast-forward the years and I'm at a party where Goldie, one of the best drum and bass DJ's on the planet, spins for a room of no more than 40 people and he fucking kills it, track after track, after track. My taste in music might have changed, but my mindset hasn't. Dancing shoulder-to-shoulder with people I know or just met to 172 beats-per-minute of rhythmic sickness. Motion is such a beautiful thing when you look in the right place and sweat flows like conversation, mouth to mouth and heart to heart; and to think I dropped out of hardcore—that's such an awful thought because all the best things I found there, I find here: ringing ears and aching legs and time well-spent on a colorful edge of a world gone to shit, and the whole time I keep thinking about how I would move if my other half was with me. It was my first party in almost seven months without Kim at my side and to almost pretend I'm dancing with her puts me where I feel at home; feet out the floor, arms out, and lights swirling around until I pass out in a cloud of reassuring dizziness.

I assure you, wonder and amazement are two things I will never let leave my life; only over my dead body will I let my eyes glaze past the secrets to staying young and beautiful...

Rave on.

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Tuesday, March 6th, 2007
9:48 pm
One of the songs I heard in the past year or so gave me a much clearer understanding of rave, just by listening to it. Upon going through some old discs stowed away in a box, I find this song in a trance compilation I bought at NYC's Tower Records many years ago. And to think I never actually listened to it until recently, or maybe I did, it just didn't strike such a chord with me back then. It just goes to show that everything you need is right there all along, even if you just can't see it.

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Thursday, January 25th, 2007
12:31 am - LSD
Bring it all around once again. Those first time feelings, the virginal excitement of something so wonderful and unique, relived again in an explosive reprise that's even more amazing than the first time you felt the slightest hints of that almost childlike curiosity and reverence for something so casual yet at the same time, sacred. I think that they key for someone like me to remain sane on this rock is to experience new and refreshing things, but I went way beyond that, this time.

I can say from experience how depressing it is to lose "that feeling" you once got from such simple things. I always felt that when I was a kid and it diminished again and again. When those adventures we used to go on seem more of a way to pass the time than embarking on some great journey, it strikes a minor chord. I found traces of it tucked away in a few places but to have it once again swirl around me in full-bloom, it brought me back to places I thought I had forgotten all about and afterward, to know they're still there and that I am still more-than-fully-capable of feeling some of those things that I missed most, well at worst it's a case of deep-seated satisfaction; at best, dusting off that beacon of hope inside yourself is not a small feat and certainly shouldn't be taken lightly. Especially when it's still shining...

I hope everyone gets a chance to recover these things even if not by the same means.

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Sunday, September 24th, 2006
7:33 pm


Today I weigh 188 pounds. I honestly do not remember the last time I weighed this little. :)

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Thursday, August 17th, 2006
6:12 pm - House
Nothing seriously elevates my mood so much as getting out to the Zen Bar on a wednesday night, seeing like 15 awesome kids I know, drinking a 32oz Corona while Magic Manny drops his on the floor, and dancing my ass off to the dopest house with the dopest househeads in CT! Onionz... what a sick DJ; one of the best house sets I've ever seen, no doubt! Refinance my mortgage! Just give us that kick, syncopated hat and a broken, off-beat electro stab and you will need new marble floors by the end of the night, no shit! Turn up the fucking bass, I wanna' feel like I just IV-ed a hit of 122 beats per minute! Ahhh I can't even put into words how much I love it. Music. Dancing. These are our deep conversations. Everyone workin' the dancefloor and just lovin' the moment; if you're moving, you know what's up, and if you're workin' up a sweat you're doin' it just about right. I know more about people I've danced with for five minutes than I do people I've spent hours with in the car. Fuck, I feel like dancing right now, haha.

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Monday, July 31st, 2006
11:31 pm - lol
it's funny how a couple of friends can pull me out of my worst moods in like, 5 minutes. i don't think i'm moody. i just think too much and i get fucked. all she has to do is say hi and i'm like fine.

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Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
9:22 pm - Two


This is NOT my normal party face!


This IS my normal party face (well, half of it.)
And the blonde in the pic is pretty much the best girl ever.

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Sunday, June 11th, 2006
11:03 am - Three Every-Other-Weekends In A Row
And it hit me like a wrecking ball: one second, footprints in the shape of hearts, and the next... all the serenity and perfection attained slipping through my fingers leaving behind only emptiness, choking on shards of ice and ashes and hollow tears and for the first time in my life I crumbled inside... everything, cracked, fractured, left scrambling to pick up broken pieces of identity with one shredded hand, the other clutching this chest-cavity exit-wound with fingernails picking at the remains of splintered ribs, a carving of "never do this to me again," and the bitter soot of reality filling in the holes where my eyes once were.

"Open your eyes, see all the love in me; I've got enough forever... don't be afraid, take all you need with me, and we'll be strong together... oh, we'll be strong together."

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Monday, June 5th, 2006
11:19 pm - for my own records
6 parties in 8 days:

5/27: CDS Reunion Campout
5/28: Boombox @ The Complex, Providence, RI with Luke, Nick, Kristen
5/31: WWSW feat. Psylab @ The Zen Bar, Farmington, CT
6/1: Threshold with Human?, Torrential vs. Viceroy @ Sully's, Hartford, CT
6/2: Summer Of Love @ Remy's, Milford, CT (best party!)
6/3: BMC Jungle Mayhem Invasion @ BUMP, New Haven, CT

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Monday, May 29th, 2006
9:37 am - MEMORIAL RAVE WEEKEND


Meetup at the "Munity", "Here horsie horsie!", fuck parking and first kids in the club, SPANKINGS, Whistle Zombies, loitering massive, impromptu E'n'bass set haha, house music as a drug, MOSHING IN THE JUNGLE ROOM with Big John and Steppo, Terravita fuckin' KILLIN' IT, steppin' all FUCKED UP to DJ Craze, bump girls at the fucking gas station, and one long fucking shot ass ride home, ahhhh!!

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Sunday, May 7th, 2006
1:56 pm
Well I like helping with security and all and actually being involved in the rave scene and making a little money on the side... but what I don't like is when people sneak to their cars on my watch, smoke dust, and try to get back in. People on PCP aren't just looking for a fight, they're practically invincible... stupid ravers. On a positive note I got to dance with a girl on crutches during Simply Jeff's set... I think she danced better than me, haha.

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Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
11:58 pm - Life At 160BPM
I never set out to figured out what the rave scene was all about, I just liked the music... it was all about the music. But it's like the surface of a record... lines etched in vinyl; looks nice, feels nice, but I never thought about what's underneath... like that little hole in the middle of it... I'm telling you, all of a sudden your foot gets caught, and there's this one rule: you don't get knee deep in the rabbit hole, kid... you fall headfirst into this sound and feeling and it's like... no turning back, no reason to look up 'cause it goes deeper and deeper. That looks on everyone face... nothing is platonic, smiles so bright and lasers so solid... I understand it more and more with every footstep on the dancefloor... why we're doing this, living this lifestyle of "did you hear that beat?" and "Am I gonna' see you there?" and hugs never meaning goodbye, it's like... I'm writing my own manual on how to be alive. And in this afterparty on Sunday morning we're sitting on this couch organizing a carpool to the next party, it keeps me goin' and never ends. Anyone who wants to come to Destination in Providence this weekend just send me an IM and I'll show you what this is all about... ;)

"If there's anything you learn tonight, I hope it's this... the shit ain't over until the last record spins." :)

current mood: RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAVVVEE

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Sunday, April 9th, 2006
9:41 pm - I Can Breathe So Clearly
You get enveloped by the light and sound on the dancefloor, this feeling of infinite expansion, no object collision, no physical detection—we become energy and "all I feel is free" crushed like waves breaking on a wall at the edge of the sea... suddently reality snaps back into place, awareness returns but in much more of a heightened state (the intoxication never fades) and "I'm so warm" — we escape into the chilling night air of this street of no sleep, dangling lights so bright we completely forget what they mean... the people with faded eyes and trash on the street looking so beautiful and clean—the breeze on your skin won't let your smile subside; back inside...

Yeah, Get Liberated in NYC was a good time... :)

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Sunday, March 12th, 2006
8:14 pm
imagine this: a single garage bay in a maze of strip-warehouses with a dj booth setup on top of the loft, people carting in bottles of beer by the armful, tripping over shap-vacs and having a total blast. that's how my morning started... ;). oh yeah and Cityscape was good too.

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Monday, February 27th, 2006
10:52 pm - yeah, whatever
i guess a lot has been going on and i've had like no time to write about it, but sorry i don't pay much attention to this journal any more. i guess doing fun things and forgetting about them is more fun than writing about want to do fun things, ha!

okay anyway, last sunday i went raving in nyc and at this point it's like ridiculous to go to a rave and see a bunch of people i know... it makes me feel pretty good actually, minus the fact that some of them are like YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO WANTS TO BUY A BAG OF SPEED? security was dick but it was an ok party. one dj dropped scott brown's "elysium" and this girl Eve and i were dancing fucking hard and when i came to we were in the middle of a circle of people and we were just fucking rocking it, it was probably the best moment of the night... alex peace dropped some great house yeah whatever. driving through nyc gives me anxiety attacks. wednesday KATIE came down from nh to see sonata arctica although they cancelled but i think we still had a fun night! saturday i swung by New britain to see THE SMILE ADVENTURE's live set and made it JUST IN TIME and it was fucking ridiculous. like imagine this; david watson, wearing a bonnet, solar suns and dog erections fuck yourself. i had to go from there down to new haven to get my dance on to some HOUSE MUSIC dropped by Gin n Juice at lounge 215 and chilled with magic manny and jay and some other people. while i was talking to some girl at the bar there i cool-ly tried to slide an empty beer bottle to the edge of the counter and pushed it too hard so basically threw it at the bartender. what a dork. oh right and friday i went to a ska show at uconn and skanked with nick and kate and we saw bill and this creepy guy asked if i was gay and then i woke up at 1am in the student union... huh.

cold doesn't stop me any more

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Monday, February 13th, 2006
12:09 pm - lol
well i don't remember writing my last entry but i deleted it out of sheer embarrassment... sorry to everyone who read it. god.

i just got home a little while ago since i went to leo's on saturday, and worked the snow storm with about 3.5 hrs sleep last night... hahaha, i am so tired and frostbitten... and grim too i guess... leo's twenty year-old dog decided to die last night, or get really close to it so after working 18 hours, leo, eli, myself, and alexia and paige were up trying to find an animal euthanization service at 11:00PM; it would've been better if i wasn't falling asleep helping paige do her homework while leo and lex went to go get the dog put down... ugh. worst timing ever. on top of that it took another 8 hours today to clean up, haaa... driving down the road in a one-ton truck with a full load... not a good idea. i'm going to sleep until like 4pm... call and you die. ;)

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Sunday, February 5th, 2006
2:40 pm - 3 parties... one night!
So last night was really crazy! Ok so I went to New Haven and couldn't find LeBoom, 'cause I gotta' see DJ Jamie Daze spin so I was real disappointed, so I went to BUMP and danced to DRUM N BASS and acid trance, saw a couple of super people but then it kind of died down around midnight... so the plan needed to be reformulated. I found myself raving in club Therapy in Providence at 2:00AM dancing my fucking ass off and chilling with an old friend from high school: Bill Storey! yeah really fucking weird I know. Danced with everyone and busted out with the liquid all night... Bill's friend got kicked out for not paying; fuckin' crazy. Well the cover was rediculous... everyone at this party was awesome and the vibe was great... saw a bunch of awesome people and met a few new ones... come 6:00AM I was like, man I'm not tired... followed this girl i know to the afterparty @ Club Energy... met a few more ppl and had a conversation with some random girl from boston in the bathroom (unisex bathrooms?? lol)... danced fucking hard when one of the dj's dropped Eric Prydz' "Call On Me" and then promptly found a couch on the dancefloor on which I passed out for two hours until 9:00AM, haha. I came out to the club's lobby (even at 9:00AM getting through the dancefloor was fucking hard 'cause people were STILL dancing... all of them) and chatted and ate donut holes (after all, the afterparty was called, "Breakfast" haha) said bye and left.

Coolest feeling of the night was eating the clementines that I snuck in on the dancefloor while buzzing hard from the vibe... it was like an entirely different experience! I gain this increased level of sensory perception at raves while dancing so it didn't just feel like I was eating the clementine but EXPERIENCING it. Definitely very meditative and a new inner-level experience... ;) NO I WASN'T ROLLING ON E

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Saturday, January 14th, 2006
5:57 pm
P.S. - DJ Brak played my favorite hardcore edm song at the end of his set last night... "Elysium" by Scott Brown... when you hear a track like this live it becomes a monument to the feelings you were experiencing when it was played... and when you're dancing your ASS off in a crowded side room... listening to it just brings everything flooding back... shivers up and down my spine. :)

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Monday, January 9th, 2006
12:31 am
it's been a long weekend... last night i went dancing @ lounge 215, dancing to funky techno is the shit... ladies ladies ladies. note to self, don't dance in the girl-free zone though... got home at 3am, and went to work at 7am when leo called me in cause it was SNOWING. man was i pissed. this afternoon i drove to Eli's house and we had a nice get together... which turned into a drunken get together, well except for me, then i visited my mother at the casino. not sure why i'm compelled to tell you all this but man i've been busy.

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Monday, January 2nd, 2006
6:44 pm - The Return of CT's EDM Afterhours
Breaksteel Productions and Noty Productions have heralded the return of Electronic Dance Music Afterhours Parties in 2006 with several absolutely slammin' nights of BUMP in New Haven, CT. Yes, you read right: AFTERHOURS. As in, the beats keep on pumping well after last call. Whether you're curious about Electronic Dance Music or a veteran raver, come check it out!

1/14/06 - "Gettin' Shitty in the Elm City" - [flyer] [myspace event]
2/4/06 - "Acid or Drum n' Basic" - [flyer]
2/18/06 - "The Threshold Edition" - [flyer] [myspace event]
3/4/06 - TBA
3/18/06 - "Cyber Groove" - [flyer] [website]

All events are taking place at:
Humphrey's East
175 Humphrey St.
New Haven, CT
203-782-1506

Also take the time to check out the Tri-State EDM Event Calendar which lists upcoming raves and weeklies in New England as well as other locales. Got correct information on an unlisted, upcoming event? Anyone can edit it!

Thanks for your time...

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Wednesday, December 28th, 2005
3:43 pm
Thanks everyone for the comments; I deleted my last entry as not to embarass myself any more—I came out of the ska show and the car was gone. An hour later I was filling out a stolen vehicle report with an officer. I'm pretty sure this is how people become very, very bitter.

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Saturday, December 24th, 2005
10:27 am - busy busy busy
yeah i just don't pay attention to this any more. i invite everyone to IM me, send a message on stalkerspace, or god forbid call. i'm not the angry, anti-social, drunken construction worker i've made myself out to be.

well, not entirely, at least.

happy holidays to everyone, cool dudes and hot bitches. stay safe plz.

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Tuesday, December 6th, 2005
11:59 pm
Well, we're moving. Our shop, I mean. The 2,000 sq. foot garage bay we have now isn't enough. Huh, well somehow Leo ended up signing the lease on a 5,000 sq. foot double bay. We're keeping all our trucks and equipment indoors year-round. With room to do donuts in a car on one side and have a rave on the other side. At the same time. It really is ridiculous. We're even going to have a kitchen area with a table and we're installing a shower. I mean, I'm never going to go home. I wonder if I can persuade Leo to get cable internet there...

And fortunately, my reserved employee parking space is right next to my private bathroom. And no I am not joking!

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Thursday, November 24th, 2005
8:53 pm - I'm Thankful For Deeds Returned. Even If Undeserved.
I'm thankful my cold went away real quick-like. I didn't get out of bed until 8:00PM, tuesday night. It was really bad. Today I am much better. But yesterday I went go to **SHOPPING!** and by shopping I mean pull-into-parking-space-and-hit-Honda-Pilot. So I hit some SUV. First thought-RUN. Instead I panicked and felt really bad and realized nobody saw me hit her bumper. So I watched as my hands wrote a note with my cell phone number on it and then my body moved to put it under her wiper blade and then I went into the store to buy boots. I dropped cold cash for my first pair of Timberlands and got a phone call from the lady whose vehicle I hit. She said something about breath of fresh air and appreciating my honesty; meanwhile I was collapsing in relief thinking she was going to let me off the hook. Really there was some damage. I mean it was scraped. But she's like, "I doubt I'll be calling you again, thank you for the note." Well, I guess coming clean really does pay off...

So the first storm of the season... I get up at 4:00AM, and rally-car my way to work. There's a stop sign at the end of our shop road which was bent at a 45 degree angle and the red "STOP" part was missing. I come to find out that it was my coworker Eli who did that. He ran it over. HE RAN OVER A STOP SIGN. I mean honestly, most people just hit the sign and then stop. Like you say, "Well, I hit a stop sign." No, no, HE RAN OVER THE STOP SIGN. Well when I was done crapping my pants we went plowing yeah yeah boring. I made thanksgiving dinner JUST IN TIME. Good day.

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Monday, November 21st, 2005
10:41 pm - another picture of me raving
yeah yeah like you guys really care, whatever
ps i caught a fucking cold


Getting my dance on at BIG @ Therapy in Providence in the DnB room.


notice how i look like i'm two-stepping. oh wait i am.

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Sunday, November 20th, 2005
11:08 pm - life at 172bpm
the rave last night in providence was unbelievable. i danced as hard as i could for so long and i had so much fun. i love fucking dancing and then checking my pulse and feeling my heart rate just go BUMPITY BUMPITY BOOM like the beats, i can feel my own blood pumping through my entire body and then i just dance some more. i spent most of the night in the drum n bass room where the rhythmn is so fast. ONE OF THE DJ'S PLAYED THE DRUM N BASS REMIX OF SLAYER'S "ANGEL OF DEATH" AND I HAD SO MUCH FUN PLAYING AIR GUITAR AT A RAVE. then they sampled HATEBREED and the urge to mosh was so hard to resist... hahaha. i actually talked to some people i've seen before and met some people i've seen at the zen bar. i didn't eat hardly anything beforehand... had an energy crash at about 4:30am... had to leave at 5:30am... but still... what a fucking night. oh my god.

also this dj i've been listening to called JOHN B... turns out he's playing in providence jan 21st... @ therapy... in the MAIN ROOM. it's going to be fucking rediculous. two months away and i'm twitchin' just thinking about it. JOHN B!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

yo i'm in fucking zombie dick mode 8284.

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Monday, November 14th, 2005
12:34 am - Outskirts of the Beat Generation
Yo, I have been listening to some really good music. I really dig uplifting trance anthems like "Shivers," the new track by Armin van Buuren. I mean, yes, it has that cookie-cutter "you know exactly what to expect in this song" feel, but the way it builds and breaks and how the vocals are pretty haunting even for their diva-like style... it's such an amazing track. I listen to it at least once, to and from work in the morning and afternoon. I really wish I had a place to share files but alas, I don't. But I hope you guys check this out if you want to hear a really awesome mainstream trance song. Also Altitude's "Sunray (Airwave Mix)," with the strings and the saw pads in the breakdowns and how the beat is always there even if it ebbs and flows... it's such an epic track. Like if there was a dance party at sunset on a huge mountain on a Caribbean island... this would be the opening track of the night.

Also I had been listening to a lot of jungle (although "drum 'n' bass" started as a subgenre of jungle, its definition has changed to be synonymous with "jungle.") I really like John B's stuff and the styles of trancestep in his mixes. The skittery-skit skippity-skip-skip beats and trance elements make such an awesome sound together... especially John B and Natalie Warren's "Mirror of Thought," this track is so fun with its very smooth jungle beat and the vocals, and the constant arpeggiated string plucks and synth string hits... also D-Kay and Rawfull's track "Be There 4 U," which both are coincidentally on John B's comp "Trance 'n' Bass." This track has a more aggressive and broken beat but it's so good. I just love music and this is the kind of shit I have been listening to.

I hope you guys check out these tracks and let me know if they don't work...
Armin van Buuren - "Shivers"
Altitude - "Sunray (Airwave Mix)"
John B & Natalie Warren - "Mirror of Thoughts"
D-Kay & Rawfull - "Be There 4 U"

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